Remembering…Missing…Dad…

Please forgive a personal and less than jolly  blog, but my dad has been on my mind recently. Year upon year now have slipped quietly past since I last held him… last told him I loved him…. said a final goodbye. They say that time heals all wounds, but I’m not so sure. Perhaps it does apply a soft lens and some sepia tones to ones memories.

There are certain times and life events during which the absence of loved ones is most acutely felt. Wedding, Festivals and the Birth of a child I’ve found rank high among these. So at this joyous time of New Year, please indulge me a very brief sad moment. It’s just that I do so wish my father could be with us… could see us all… hold us… kiss us.

Please don’t feel you must read all of this. I’m really writing it for myself and for my family &; my siblings who would never get to meet Grandpa. I’m not saying my father was a saint, he was as flawed and human as any man.He was also always always slightly bigger than life. Perhaps that’s the way dads always seem to their little boys. But I know his friends saw him that way, too. 

 I just wanted to say, “I love you dad.”

Oh, and if you are a dad, or know one… tell him to go hug his kids or his grand kids and tell them he loves them. Would you do that for me? Thanks.

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My Dad passed away. It feels like a lifetime. Then there are days it feels like it happened yesterday. Loss is like that. Some days you move through life unburdened by it. Other days it cuts you to the core and the memories are strong.

My father passed away from Cardiac Arrest in December of 2016. He was already a patient of Cancer  had a very long battle with the disease. Looking back I think it’s almost better if it takes you swiftly. The pain it causes, and the heart ache, takes such a toll on the person and those around them. My heart breaks for anyone battling cancer. It also breaks for everyone who loves someone with cancer. It will touch your life, change your life and make you appreciate life in ways you never did before.

For me I had to decide early one whether I was going to become bitter or better for going through it with Dad. I chose better. I wanted to feel it, learn from it, and grow because of it. It’s not easy to open yourself up to the experience but if you can it will make you a stronger version of yourself. It was not easy, not by a long shot. My father was a difficult man, he was angry, often mean and very bitter. He was not easy to spend time with. We had a very combative relationship prior to him getting sick. But when he called me to ask for help I figured I could either let it go or let it control me. It was easy to decide to let it go. It is amazing what happens when you make the decision to let the past go. Not just say you’re going to but really do it. The world is a different place. We still had our moments and it was  difficult  years but I got through it and learned to love and appreciate my father more than I thought possible.

I am grateful I went on the journey with him. I learned so much about him. We had lots of time to fill, so we talked about life, childhood, love, everything under the sun. I found out things about him I did not know. Things I didn’t want to know some days. But I am thankful now I had that time to really get to know him and understand him. It is easy to see why he was the man he was after learning more about his childhood. He did the best he could with the tools he had and in those moments of understanding any shred of leftover bitterness over our childhood melted away. It was nothing compared to what he’d been through.

While our childhoods were difficult at times we also had tons of fun. My Dad always made sure we took a family vacation every year. I’m grateful for those memories. They are plentiful.

I remember him eating ice cream almost every single day on vacation.

I remember him teaching me how to  walk.

I remember him teaching me how to ride a  bicycle.

I remember him always trying to get me to laugh for the camera.

I remember him teaching us how to write.

I remember him getting so excited every time we would see his old movies.

I remember him talking his whole life about retiring and buying an big car and travelling everywhere, in particular a roadtrip to Kerala. 

I remember him crying only a handful of times in his life. The worst was the day he told us my grandma had died. He picked us up from school with my uncle and told us in the car in the school parking lot. I remember being so stunned by his emotion because he always seemed so emotionless. After that I didn’t see him cry until he got sick. Even then he was strong and only broke down three times during that year. 

I was honored to be with him when he did, it bonded us, made me realize my tough father was human.

RIP DAD ......................

Thanks for reading 

Regards

Adi....