AN EXPERIENCE OF DEPRESSION.............

It’s morning. I try to open my eyes as I lay in bed, but really I just want to leave them closed. Merely trying to peel open my eyelids feels like it takes a supreme amount of energy that I just can’t find anywhere in my body. So I’ll leave them closed. And my bed is so comfortable, I just want to sink deeper into the mattress and pull the covers over me. Sleep feels so good. I can get up later. Maybe I’ll call in sick today, I just need a day.

It’s afternoon now. If I don’t get out of bed soon, I’m going to lose the whole day. Ugh…why do I do this to myself? There are so many things I need to get done, and all I’m doing is laying in bed all day. Okay, I’m going to push myself out of bed. 

Standing beside my bed, it’s calling me back in. Maybe just today I can use the day in bed? Oh wait, look at the TV over there. Maybe I should just go to the couch and catch up on TV. That sounds great…I can nuzzle up in the corner of the couch with a blanket and watch a couple of episodes before I do some productive stuff. 

It’s 4pm now, I just don’t have the motivation. I’m still in my pajamas, and I’m so hooked on this show. I’ve barely eaten today because I didn’t even really think about it, except for that sandwich I had a few hours ago. I know in my mind I have so much to do, but my body doesn’t want to follow. It wants to stay right here in this spot. 

And I don’t know why, but I just want to cry. I keep saying it’s just one day, but it feels like this all the time. I feel sad all the time, tired all the time, unmotivated all the time. People call me lazy and act like I just don’t care. But have you ever tried to get yourself going in the morning when your body and all of its energy feels like a lead brick sinking you down? Everything is moving downward — my body into the corner of this couch, my eyelids, my energy, every muscle. Try standing up and going to work when you feel like this.

I feel so alone. No one gets it unless they go through it, too. I’m sick of people acting like I have some sort of control over this. Do you think I would just choose to live my life in bed and in front of the TV? It’s a terrible, helpless feeling. I think about ending it sometimes, but honestly, I know that’s not the solution I want. 

What I really want is to get up, get outside, and live my life. I want to have friends, I want to do good work, and I want to have someone really care about me. I feel like all of my friendships are me caring for them, but when I need it, no one is around. I feel like my family is sick of trying with me....................

 Adi.....



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